MUST DO

GO TO CLUTCH CARGOS IN PONTIAC MI. ON MARCH 13 TO SEE B.O.M.!!!!!!!!!!!

so i realized something this weekend. something kind of big.

i am not the only one who has ever experienced heart ache. and as long as humans still walk the earth, heart ache will just keep on circling right along with us.

i can't go backwards, but that doesn't mean i can't try to make the future happier and nicer to look at.

i have decided to be friends with him, to clear the air, to tell him everything that i have on my mind and let him have it good. but i want to work on being friends, and like my mom said, who is to say that something WONT happen in the future. now i don't want to give myself false hope or anything, but my best friend is still in love with her ex boyfriend and he still cares for her. they act like an old married couple! i, secretly, want to share that with him. i want something like that to happen to me!

anyway... i love Muse. no really, check them out!!!!

so i hate myself for being such a coward. i really want to know where the old me went. the girl who wasn't afraid to speak her mind, who didn't care what people thought of her. i need to find her, because i need her, i can't leave things unsaid but i'm to afraid to confront him. i wish i was strong enough to face this, i wish everything was back to normal.

i can't get away from him. he is everything i see, he's every where i go, the music i listen to. he is in my dreams which is the worse because i can't control them.

i want him back, i want to hear his heart beating against my skin, i want to smell his musky scent, i want to feel him next to me.

and every time i ask myself whether or not it is just the absense of 'something' of being touched, or held, i always say no. i don't imagine myself with any of the others guys in school, i only see his face when i close my eyes. it's him that i see when i sing, when i Muse blares through my stereo. it's him that i miss.

i only wish now that he could somehow magically come across this website and read everything on it, then he would know.

he would know that even though i hate him, i still love him.

even though i think he is the dumbest guy on the face of the planet, i don't really think that.

i wish that i could tell him about the rumor that i heard, i wish i could punch this girl, who probably had a big role in the breaking up, so hard in the face that i break her nose. ok so maybe not that hard but i still daydream of pushing her down the stairs! ooo it is so tempting...

have you ever wondered why most movies are about meeting some stranger, kissing in the rain, falling in love, getting hurt, making up, and then getting back together again. it's always about the beginning, the fun, the butterflies, the first... everything. what about the end? what the pain? what are we supposed to do when we are confused, and hurt? how are we supposed to know that is alright to cry in the bathroom stall, to look ourselves in our rooms and listen to sappy love songs, to visit the places where we held deep conversations or had our first kiss?

i love him.

there is nothing else much to it. other than it has been a month since he broke my heart.

but it's true.

hey!! i'm listening to The Killers and my mood is definitely lifting...

ha ha, life is good!!!

i have some friends over in about a half an hour! we are going to play the new Clue game! the one with the text messages and stuff, we are going to get really into it, i can just feel it! ha ha, any way... i don't know but that's alright! i have a new book idea Captivate by Carrie Jones!

day 19

woohoo!! day 19!! that only means 346 days left, 8,304 hours, 498,240 minutes!!!! 498,239. 498,238...

anyway! so i'm NOT having a good day today, i'm confused - as usual - but i'm not going to rain on anyone else's parade. if anyone is actually reading this.

hello?

are you out there?

is SOMEONE listening? i need to know because i can't bear to do this alone...

anyone...?

day 18

we have our mid-term exams this week starting today, and things haven't been looking good all day. first hour was fine, but my second hour exam was horrendous! i had forgotten my calculator for my stats exam and then i found out that the note card i made and left on the kitchen table was acceptable to have on my desk at school! And then right after second hour exam, when everyone else got to go home and eat i had to stay after school for over three hours for solo and ensemble!! i went into the practice room and practiced with the pianist and he said that i sounded good and that he was confident. but when it was my turn to go up and sing i totally spaced out and forgot my words! now i have been singing that blasted song for three months and i had forgotten the words!!??? i don't understand... so anyway i had to start over and well... to say it in the most blunt of terms i sucked! majorly!

and to top off my day, my ex boyfriend/friend, blew me off in the hall. i was walking with my guy friend and he was walking with his best guy friend and we were heading towards each other - with no one else in the hall, mind you - and he didn't even politely smile at me at the least! but i guess he talked to my sister. i don't know what i should think of that...?!

but on brighter terms i went out to borders the other night and my mom bought me Sophie's World! i am super excited to read it, i guess it's very philosophical! which is awesome!

but i'm really getting into 1984 too! i can totally see why my ex likes it, it's so 'stick it to the man' type of thing!!!

I have found a new muse! Norah Jones, i love her voice, i wish i could sing like that.

well i'm sure i could rant on some more about my boring life but i won't, for now at least!

see ya!