Day 1.

Day 1 out of 365.

The first book that i am going to read is The Lovely Bones by Alice Seabold.

364 days to go.

100 books challenge

So i was doing some soul searching and came across something a little different. I have figured out what i am going to challenge myself with through this blog.

I am going to create a list of 100 books and i am going to read them all in 365 days.

These books will have different meanings, different plots and i will see where they take me.

Sometimes it's easier to forget.

Other times it's easier to hold on to something that really matters to you.

I read my horoscope today. It told me that my "world-famous passion is nothing to sneeze at". Whatever that means.

Today i feel like crap. I feel like an overused kleenex.

Today is not my day like my horoscope says.

Today it is easier to forget.

I just wish that it was that simple. But it's not and Im afraid to say that it never will be.

I'm used to forgetting though. It's how i have survived everything in the past. Forgetting. It's the one thing that i seem to be mediocre at. I tell myself over and over that something isn't true, that i made it up in my mind and then, after hours of stabbing my brain with sharp lies, it sticks and i believe them. I forget everything that was ever horrible or wrong. I forget everything that was ever pain, that ever made me want to break down and cry, everything that i didn't want to remember.

But this time, it's different. I am afraid of forgetting, but it is so hard to remember. Every time i look at the pictures, at his shirt that is currently waded up into a ball on my floor, every time i look in his eyes something inside me sparks and then reality hits i realize that i will never be able to touch that cheek, that i will never smell his skin ever again, that i will never be completely with him ever again. And that sparks explodes into a huge black hole and sucks up everything inside me. It hurts.

I still wait around, hoping, wishing that he would call, just so i can hear his voice again. Sometimes i day-dream of him walking up to me in the hallway and taking me in his arms and kissing me. But it wont happen. Not now, not ever again.

But as i have been told, one too many times, there are plenty other fish in the sea. But i gave him my heart, and i have yet to get it back.

So even though i know that i should through away the photo of the two of us that haunts me from my bedside table at night, even though i know that i should erase the note he wrote on my white board, even though i know that i shouldn't sing along to Cabaret songs in his shirt that is big enough to be a skimpy dress on me. But i can't throw it away. Not yet.

If we cut out the bad
Well then we’d have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the Angel
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

"cut up angels"

the used

So things are pretty much back to normal. I talked to my ex boyfriend today and we settled things out. we are now good friends. BFFs!!! ha ha just kidding!

i need to find some task that will keep me occupied. kind of like how julie had julia! i need something. any suggestions let me know!!!

I don't think that i have ever been so confused in my entire life than i am right now at this very moment. i honestly have no idea what i am going to do.

my boyfriend and i broke up a few days ago and yesterday i was ready to talk to him. everything was alright, and i planned this whole conversation in my head. i was finally ready to be friends with him, even though just being that would be a little painful seeing as he is kind of popular with the ladies.

but today after second hour my sister came up to me and told me some news. this guys brother told this girl (who is my ex boyfriends best friend) who told her little sister who told my sister that he broke up with me because he was happy when we were together but when we were apart he was depressed. i am pretty sure that i was experiencing the same thing and i thought maybe it was normal but i guess not.

well i think that he was easily manipulated by some girl who told him to break up with me.

i know i shouldn't believe it. its like the telephone game, everything starts out as one thing and then ends up as something completely different.

everyone tells me that i should talk to him. and i know i should but every time i look at him i cringe away and something inside me seems to shrivel up.

but i have to do it. and hopefully someday, i will have the courage to face this because i really don't want to push him away any more than i already have.

While on the depressing topic of pain. I must also add that i had no idea what it is like to be in a family with horrible parents. my best friend has a dad who throws things at her and threatens her, while her mom is such an airhead. i also have this other friend whose dad is engaged to this women who is so stone hearted and self absorbed that i even hate to be in the same room as her.

I know that i have already posted twice today, but i was just watching the news today and this story of a lady who was beaten by her boyfriend came up. They still haven't found her yet but it got me thinking. As someone who knows first hand what it is like to be in an abusive relationship, i just wanted to know how many others have experienced it. So i looked up some facts:

7% of women (that is nearly 3.9 million) are physically abused by their partners, and 37% (nearly 20.7 million) are verbally or emotionally abused.

every 9 seconds a woman is physically abused by her husband.

95% of assaults are committed by men against women.

42% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partners.

There are many more facts all over the web, i found these facts at http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteredwomenstatistics.html

All this got me thinking (again) about why no one ever speaks out for these girls. So i am going to try and take a stand. I am going to fight this, tooth and nail. I encourage anyone who reads this to join me!

because too long have we let this go unnoticed.

Too long have we watched the news and not down anything about the degrading way that men treat women.

Too long have we been silent.

It is time to raise our voices. In unison, we shall rise.

Alright so i know that i am not the only one who has ever been hurt, or gotten their heart broken. so for every one out there who is hurting, just know that i am here, pushing the heavy cart right along side of you.

But out of everything i learned something. Don't be afraid of letting people in. That is the biggest thing that some boy has ever taught me.

I am not afraid to do it anymore. I mean i'm afraid of letting people in, but not as terrified as i was.

So if you're out there, hurt and broken just know that it felt good when you had someone close to you. Someone who was closer to you than your own parents or your siblings. And don't be afraid to let people in, don't be afraid to fall again.

Okay, so this is all very new to me. This is my first time blogging. EVER.

So i think i should probably start by telling you a little bit about myself.

I like to read, i usually have my head in the clouds and currently i really want to become a broadway star. But i also want to do something involving the written word so... i don't really know.