you're good. you are really good. i thought elliot was a good actor but you... you really had me going.
ugh, why does this always seem to happen to me. i always fall for the wrong guys and then things get said, things are thought and then he, meaning you, can't be honest with me. you lied to me, you have been lieing to me. i let them all slide but now they are getting to big for both of us. you don't pick me up in the middle of the night to lie under the stars and talk. and you certainly don't almost have sex with someone who doesn't mean much to you. you're right, you don't have a commitment issue, but you aren't afraid of getting hurt. you only used that as an excuse because you didn't want to hurt me. you are just like him, dragging everything out. i'm always the one to walk away hurt. but not this time, i will not let you do the same thing that elliot did to me. i'm ending this... this... whatever this is anyway! call me when you decide what you want.

4TH OF JULY

Happy fourth of July!!!
I hope that you're having a better day than I am!
It started out alright, i woke up from a dream that was just A-mazing! my best... well i should say one of my best guy friends (FWB) realized how much he actually liked me, and realized how much he missed talking to me everyday as a friend and ended up calling me just to talk! yeah i know it doesn't mean much but it gave me something to think about.
But then i woke up and i opened my email account. i looked for my AP Bio worksheet that my teacher was supposed to send me a while ago and then i cam across my horoscope.

"Tension is likely to arise in many different areas of your life, Scorpio. It's possible that you're either too dreamy or too practical for the issue at hand. It's important for you to strike a balance."

that's what it said. sadly. 
it was like a slap in the face, i had been to "dreamy" with the whole thing, but i have to admit that i have not forgotten about it. in fact the whole time i was with my family today that's all i could think about. well let me tell you, don't ever think that your friend with benefits will ever really see you more than just someone to make out with and stuff... you'll spare yourself a lot of heart ache. 


any way, i've been writing again. i stayed up late last night just writing away like a mad man! i have seven pages, it's not much, but it's a good start. i'll be sure to post some stuff when i get the chance (in other words... when i feel like it). 

alright, so it's been a really long time hasn't it?! haha yeah!
a lot of things have happened
first, i got a car!
second, i am so tan from going to the beach almost everyday
third, i think i'm in love with my best friend...
i don't know why though, i told myself that i wasn't allowed to fall for him because he would never love me more than the other girls. i told myself that i should watch out because everything that we did together never really means anything. he told me he didn't want a relationship, i have seen him go into rooms with other girls and shut the doors, he's told me how much he likes girls in general. but i can't seem to get him out of my mind, i mean don't get me wrong there are other guys that i like too but he is just... just... different. i can't really explain it... sadly.

so i started writing again. it kept me up to the early hours of the morning today. as i began writing, it hit me, there is no way that someone can sit down and write a novel that does not have some form of love in it. friendship is love, mothers love their daughters, fathers love their children, sisters love their sisters. there is just no way around the whole love concept! it's every where we go, it's the very air we breath! we can't live without it and even through all the murders and suicides and the wars, it still exists, that's what makes the human race so interesting!

30 seconds to mars!

i went to their concert last night! truely amazing, i wish i had brought my camera to take pictures though... :(

satire homework

just finished up my satire for brit lit, i made fun of twilight and it's trusty followers!! i thought it was funny, but i don't know how well it is. i edited my friends paper today too and she is really smart and wants to be a writer like myself, but her paper totally sucked. i know that sounds bad, but it's true!
anyway, im going to call it a night, my brett is supposed to call me anyway so we can talk about our horrible lives!!!

new beau

new beau

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the complete list

so i thought that it was a little lame to just write a part of the list and not the whole thing so he are all 119 things to do before i die (that i have so far)!

1: sing in public

2: jump off a bridge

3: go streaking

4: reenact a scene from star wars

5: dance in the middle of a thunderstorm

6: meet cinderella

7: do a poetry night

8: go to a club - completed on March 13, 2010 (i went to see BOM @ clutch cargos)

9: kiss someone in the middle of the street

10: use a cheesy pick up line

11: visit every place having to do with William Shakespeare

12: get a tattoo

13: buy a motorcycle and drive through ALL of the states

14: go to the henry ford museum wearing a fanny pack and a hawiian t-shirt (complete tourist look)

15: go to mcdonalds in my prom dress and then dance and fall asleep under the stars instead of going to prom

16: swim with dolphins

17: go scuba diving

18: go to Transylvania

19: go around giving FREE HUGS

20: roll around in a bunch of one dollar bills

21: go to a concert

22: stop a robber

23: write a song (even if it sucks)

24: don't answer the door at halloween and then eat the candy in the window for all the little kids to see!!!

25: meet andrew mcmohan

26: celebrate valentines day by watching scary/gory movies and getting drunk

27: write a novel that ISN'T a love story

28: participate in the day of silence

29: be completely hones and open for a whole day

30: visit kurt cobain's grave

31: cry in public

32: fake a love montage

33: punch someone in a mosh pit

34: grow a few inches

35: touch Gerard way's butt

36: burn my homework from all of HS after my senior year

37: use the excuse of 'my dog at my homework'

38: sneak into the auditorium and sing on stage for a fake audience

39: sleep under the stars

40: ride a bike to North Carolina

41: become LESS afraid of who i am and getting hurt

42: ride thunder mountain railroad over and over again for a whole day!!

43: dress up as a superhero and go to comiccon

44: throw a benefit party for TWLOHA

45: have an epic 'movie' moment

46: learn 'thriller' dance moves

47: see the sydny opera house

48: die my hair red - completed (april 2, 2010)

49: live like emerson and thoreau for a day

50: have future told by psychic

51: make a movie

52: SAVE A LIFE

53: gain a high rank with TWLOHA street team

54: watch all LOTR movies in one day

55: finish my 100 book challenge

56: finish this list

57: touch a real fish

58: meet norah jones

59: paint a fairly decent picture

60: have a 'meet and greet'

61: invent a word

62: attempt to read a romance novel

63: create a book of life situations from everyone all over the world

64: live one day as though it were a scene from a musical

65: learn Clair De Lune

66: buy a grand piano

67: eat a candy bar in the middle of the store

68: learn about different philosophies and culturs

69: (isn't the number enough

70: go to the grand canyon with dad

71: make a toast at a strangers wedding

72: spray everyone i can't stand with silly string

73: stay in bed ALL day

74: get covered in henna tattoos

75: go to IRELAND

76: fall in love

77: become a teacher

78: learn how to shoot a bow and arrow

79: go to the rennicanse festival

80: eat a whole tube of cookie dough

81:talk like a pirate for a whole day

82: go to russia

83: have an intense snow ball fight

84: drive halfway across the country for the world's greatest ice cream

85: wake up every morning amazed by the world

86: get ice cream in the middle of winter

87: see the northern lights

88: skip school (a mental health day) - completed on... i don't remember, i have done it so many times, i can't keep track

89: go swimming at the north pole

90: surf the crowd at a concert

91: sneak out

92: trench 'beethoven's' lawn

93: receive an orchid or gerber daisy

94: have a good come-back

95: be happy

96: see two movies back to back at the theatre

97: become a bit more outgoing/adventurous

98: take part in the indiana jones show @ disney world

99: ride the tea cups till i puke

100: GROW OLD WITH SOMEONE

101: go to a club and dance in the middle of the crowd

102: kiss a total stranger

103: go to a Muse concert

104: wear a dress to someplace other than a dance - completed

105: talk in front of the class WITHOUT being nervous

106: have a mohawk

107: throw a party

108: get involved with those annoying thespians

109: go to devil's pool, victoria falls in africa

110: go to time's square for new year's

111: have my portrait painted

112: go skinny-dipping at midnight in the south of France

113: make love on a forest floor

114: be a member of the audience in a TV show

115: watch the launch of a space shuttle

116: plant a tree

117: go up in a hot air balloon

118: kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland

119: dive to the Titanic on board a submarine.

The List

i have added a few new stuff to my list...

111: have my portrait painted

112: go skinny-dipping at midnight in the south of France

113: make love on a forest floor

114: be a member of the audience in a TV show

115: watch the launch of a space shuttle

116: plant a tree

117: go up in a hot air balloon

118: kiss the Blarney Stone in Ireland

119: dive to the Titanic on board a submarine.
so the guy that my best friend was trying to set me up with is awesome.
he is so funny!
and he is pushing me to do stuff that i would never have done, like today we are supposed to go for a bike ride on some dirt path! i would never even think about doing that on my own!!

i can't stop thinking about him...

it's weird, i would never have thought that i could possibly feel this way about someone so soon after what happened with the other guy.

i think i have found my other fish...

been a while...

hey guys, i know that i haven't been posting. i have been kind of lazy. okay well that is a lie because i have been cheating on you. i have been updating my other blog instead! i feel so dirty. please forgive me!
i'll buy you ice cream!
maybe...

anyway, i will have you know that i am still writing, singing and working on completing The List!! oh and don't worry, i am still the same person!

i am going to the movies with my girlfriends today! we are going to go see how to train your dragon! yeah, i know it's a little kid movie, but right now i don't care.

my fingers keep tripping up on each other, i keep getting ahead of myself!

i need to chill.

well this morning, around nine, i was awakened my a text message from my good friend Brett. he wanted me to come meet him and this guy he is trying to set me up with, at big boys! it's nine in the freaking morning, and you want me to come down to nasty big boys for breakfast??? i don't think so!!! so i told him i would do something tomorrow instead.

speaking of the guy that Brett is trying to hook me up with, his name is Dan and he is kind of cute. he is a senior where-as im a junior and he can drive and stuff!! i don't know if things will spark when i talk to him but, what the hell? why not give it a whirl?

anyway, i'm out! my stomach is growling, i am in serious need of food!

something like the buried life

i have created a list of all the things i want to do before i die! i will keep you updated on everything that happens as i try to finish the list.

hey guys i wrote this, tell me what you think...

Scene: boy and girl sitting on a bench, the wind barely blowing and they are sitting there exchanging silence for silence. They steal sidelong glances at each other hoping that the pain will go away. He reaches over and covers her hand with his; she drags in a sharp un-easy breath.

Girl: I let you in.

Boy: I know.

Girl: no you don’t know! You got to see the real me, and not very many people get a chance to see that. I told you everything and for the first time in… well forever I let someone in and I wasn’t afraid either, I actually wanted you in. I wanted you to see who I was.

Boy: we all belong with someone in the end. There is some one out there who will love us for who we are. I just wasn’t the guy.

Girl: but I love you.

Boy: I know, I can see it in your eyes, the way you look at me. And I hope you know that I love you too.

Girl: then why can’t we be together again?

Boy: because we aren’t meant for each other, we don’t match.

Girl: we aren’t meant for each other? Who is to say that we aren’t? I am sure that there is more than one guy I could easily be happy with.

Boy: I’m just not one of them.

Girl: [silence]

Boy: I know that I have hurt you, I know that I am hurting you but don’t be afraid of love because when it is real it is a hell of a lot scarier than this, don’t be afraid to show him who you really are. And I promise you that he is out there and he will love you more than I will ever be able to.

Scene: they look at each other one last time, soaking up each other’s scent, looking back at the memories, their hands kissing. The wind changes direction and they stand and walk their separate ways, but both heading towards an unknown world in a more terrifying state then they had left it.

alright so i am moving!

it's sad to let go but i am... just kidding, i promise to post here too! i can't guarantee that i will be able to post as much as i have but i will try to keep up with all this stuff.

cheesy!

hey guys, im sitting on my chair in the living room with glen beck on for background noise.

im having a difficult time writing this letter. as a part of TWLOHA street team i have to write a letter to someone (i don't know who) and i have tried twice and both times are depressing. im pretty sure the whole point of the letter is to change their perspective on life and not make them more sad and depressed...

anyway, if anyone lives in the area, go to the clutch cargos in pontiac on march 13 for the battle of the bands. i will be there cheering on my ex boyfriend/friend and his fellow band members.

okay so anyway, changing the subject, i don't know about you but i like cheesy-ness! so check out this website, lots of cheesy...

http://www.pickuplinesgalore.com/cheesy.html

they really are lame but whatever!

here are some examples from the website:

(hold out hand) Would you hold this for me while I go for a walk?

If I could reach out and hold a star for everytime you've made me smile, I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand.

Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines. So, do you pick 'Do you come here often?', 'What's your sign?', or 'Hello, I'm doing a survey of what people think are the cheesiest pickup lines.'? If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you. You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

maggie

we have no school today, a snow day, the second one this year! but the bad part is that i am insanely bored...

right now im listening to "come take my hand" by the early hours. its a pretty awesome song.

so i started to write and this is what came. it's about... well you will see. but the setting is in the parking lot of a gas station and Maggie is sitting in the car with her girl-friend.

“Maggie, can you go pay?” Sarah asks handing me a few twenties. She doesn’t even look up from her cell phone. I look out the window, out side its pouring – great!

“Urg, but its pouring,” I moan through clenched teeth. I unlock the passenger side door and step out. With my hood thrown over my face I run through the rain. It’s a short distance between the car and the store doors but im still shivering and soaked to the bone when I step in.

There was a radio on playing some weird 80’s hair band music. The guy behind the counter was tapping his finger on the side of his leg. He had dirty blond hair that fell in his face and he looked at something on the counter. He looked like he could have cared less to be there. I walked over to the back of the store to where the Slurpee machines were.

He started singing with the music. It was like I wasn’t even there. I kept looking back at him to see if maybe he would jump on the counter and do a little dance with the song – he just looked that into it. I grabbed a medium sized cup, still watching him out of the corner of my eye. I put the tops on both of the cups and filled one half way with fruit punch and the other half with coke. I set that one on the counter and grabbed the other one. I pulled the lever and started to fill it with coke. I looked over my shoulder. The guy seemed to be in his own little world. He had grabbed a mop and was singing into the handle, and dancing with it. he looked like he was having so much fun.

I felt something cold running over my hand but I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. he walked over to the radio and turned the terrible song up! He was singing with it – I have to admit, he had a pretty nice voice. He picked the mop off the floor and dunked it in a bucket full of water then flung it over the floor as he danced and sang with the music. I bit my lip to keep from laughing.

My hand was freezing now, I looked over at it. The Slurpee had spilled over the edge of the cup and was running down my hand. I cursed under my breath and let go of the lever.

“Napkins, napkins. Where are the stupid napkins?” I whispered to myself. I looked around and found them. And to my luck – ha ha – there was only three left. I started to wipe off my hands but only managed to knock over Sarah’s Slurpee, making an even bigger mess. Only me, right?

I bent down to the floor and started to clean up the mess. I could feel my face starting to burn; all I wanted to do was walk out of the store and never come back. With my luck he’ll probably notice my mess and yell at me. just wait, you’ll see.

“Do you need some help with that?” someone asked from behind me. the voice scared me, I tried to get up but hit my head on the counter top. “Ooh, are you okay?”

“Man. Only me. Ouch,” I said, carefully standing up and rubbing the top of my head. I turned around and the mop guy was standing in front of me. “I… uh, made a mess.”

“Yeah you did,” he laughed.

“Im sorry, I wasn’t paying attention and it over flowed and then I knocked it over and… you should really put more napkins in that…thing. Because someone like me might walk in and make an even bigger mess. You know there was only three. Im sorry I really shouldn’t be allowed to go anywhere. Ya’ know? Maybe I should just be put in quarantine because im so prone to accidents,” I look at him and I know I’ve done it again. “Im sorry, I tend to talk a lot when im nervous, it’s a disease im afraid. One that no one but me seems to have. My mother never had that problem and… oh man, im doing it again aren’t i?”

“Yeah,” he smiles.

“Im sorry.”

“So I heard.”

“Im s…” I put my hand over my mouth to keep me from saying it again. He laughs at this, and now im pretty sure he thinks im mentally retarded.

“I’ll be right back, hold on.” He holds up his finger and then disappears behind a door. he returns a few seconds later with a mountain of napkins and paper towels. “im afraid this is all we have, I hope its enough for your mess… I mean look at it, it looks like a tornado came in here or a Slurpee blizzard.”

“Sorry.”

He sets the mountain of napkins on the clean side of the counter and grabs a few off the top, I do the same. We are both on our hands and knees cleaning up the floor.

“you don’t have to help, it is my job ya’ know.”

“Well I feel bad, I mean it looked like you had already cleaned and it’s my mess so I want to help.”

“I’m sorry about…” he points over to his mop that he was dancing with earlier. “I didn’t think anyone was here.”

“Oh, yeah no, I usually go un noticed most of the time any way so its no big deal.”

“I didn’t mean that.”

“I know,” I say nodding, I wasn’t trying to get back at him for saying what he did, I was just telling the truth.

We slopped up the rest of the mess on the floor and I started on the counter. He grabbed his mop and soaked it in the dirty water and cleaned up the area around my feet. I tried to hop out of his way but it didn’t help much. When we were both done I turned and leaned against the counter.

“I think I just gained a pound of arm muscle.” I joke flexing my arm.

“Let me see,” he barely squeezes my arm but his touch sends something through me. “Yup, those are huge!”

“Who knew Slurpee’s weighed so much.”

“yeah, I’ll go ring you up, was there anything else you wanted?”

“uh, yeah my friend wanted to fill up her tank,” I hand him the money she gave me and our hands brush against eachother. He looked at the huge amount of money I had just given him.

“um…how much?”

“uh…” Sarah didn’t say anything about how much money she wanted to put into it. “all of it… I think. I don’t know, she didn’t tell me.”

“alright,” he smiles and we turn away at the same time.

I grab both our Slurpee’s and start to turn back. the floor beneath me is slippery with dirty water and my shoes don’t have the best of grip on the them. I slip and just when I think I’ll make another mess again, two hands grab me around the waist.

“That would have been ugly,” he smiles.

“Thanks,” I say laughing; this day couldn’t have gotten worse.

I turn around to face him and my foot slips again. He doesn’t take his hands off my waist so he caught me again. I was facing him and I could tell that he had blue eyes. They were as blue as the ocean and he smelled like peppermint and stale tobacco smoke.

“Ya’ good?”

“Yeah, I’m alright.” I start to walk again and I can feel his hand on my back.

He walks around the counter as soon as I’m off the wet floor.

“uh… so your Slurpee’s are on me. since you made a mess.”

“oh, no I cant let you…”

“I want to.”

“I can’t…”

“stop! I want to.”

His face is so close to me, his eyes are so intense that I have to lean against the counter as I feel my knees go weak.

“ok,” my voice alters.

“see ya’ around.”

“okay,” I say and turn around.

I pull my hood up and run through the rain again. Sarah is leaning against the car, texting some more, as she fills the tank. I take a swig of my Slurpee and hand her hers which she takes with ready hands. Sarah is either talking about her new boyfriend or texting him whenever I’m around. Sometimes it gets annoying but I like the silence. I’m just afraid to see her get dumped because I know it’s going to happen and she will be crushed. I lean against the side of the car with her. We have been friends for so long that even though we aren’t talking we both seem to know what the other is thinking. Its like a sixth sense, this unspoken conversation. I feel like I’m two or six or thirteen standing next to her in silence.

There is a little click and she looks up from her phone. She puts the nozzle back and tells me to go and get the change. I take another sip of my Slurpee and set it on the passenger seat. I run back through the rain to the store door and jump inside.

He looks up from a magazine from behind the counter and smiles at me. He closes his magazine and leans over the counter to give me my change. There something white sticking out of the pile of one dollar bills. I decide to look at it later. I take it and our fingers brush again.

“my name’s Nick by the way.”

“Maggie… my name’s Maggie.”

He smiles and I slip out the door and into the rain for the fourth time. When I get to the car I pull the white piece of paper out of the wad of cash and look at it.

please do not steal this.

hey guys so i have decided to become a member of the TWLOHA street team, i have already done some stuff, but i think i am going to write a letter now.

oooo speaking of writing, i watched Shakespeare in Love yesterday and was so incredibly inspired so i have finally figured out something that i want to write about!! it's going to be funny (for the most part)! but im really excited to start on it.

i'll post what i have so far as soon as i type it up!

keep on keepin' on!!

day 35

ok so originally this blog was created so that i would read a hundred books in one year (365 days) and that i would share what ever it was that i had learned from them on here for all to see, but things have changed, i am still going to read a hundred books in only 365 days because i can't give up on a challenge but i think i am just going to sit here in my house and tell you or anyone who would like to listen, what it is that i am feeling almost every single day. i don't get to do a lot of self serving things and i tend to enjoy screwing myself over but this is going to be there place where i don't do anything of that sort. this is my domain, if not somewhat vacant and cold.

check out norah jones, she is a fantastic singer and so incredibly beautiful. i love her.

happy TWLOHA day!!!!

for all of you who don't know, To Write Love On Her Arms is a foundation that helps prevent suicide and today we celebrate it by wearing merch. and by writing the word love on our wrists!

because Love is the movement

MUST DO

GO TO CLUTCH CARGOS IN PONTIAC MI. ON MARCH 13 TO SEE B.O.M.!!!!!!!!!!!

so i realized something this weekend. something kind of big.

i am not the only one who has ever experienced heart ache. and as long as humans still walk the earth, heart ache will just keep on circling right along with us.

i can't go backwards, but that doesn't mean i can't try to make the future happier and nicer to look at.

i have decided to be friends with him, to clear the air, to tell him everything that i have on my mind and let him have it good. but i want to work on being friends, and like my mom said, who is to say that something WONT happen in the future. now i don't want to give myself false hope or anything, but my best friend is still in love with her ex boyfriend and he still cares for her. they act like an old married couple! i, secretly, want to share that with him. i want something like that to happen to me!

anyway... i love Muse. no really, check them out!!!!

so i hate myself for being such a coward. i really want to know where the old me went. the girl who wasn't afraid to speak her mind, who didn't care what people thought of her. i need to find her, because i need her, i can't leave things unsaid but i'm to afraid to confront him. i wish i was strong enough to face this, i wish everything was back to normal.

i can't get away from him. he is everything i see, he's every where i go, the music i listen to. he is in my dreams which is the worse because i can't control them.

i want him back, i want to hear his heart beating against my skin, i want to smell his musky scent, i want to feel him next to me.

and every time i ask myself whether or not it is just the absense of 'something' of being touched, or held, i always say no. i don't imagine myself with any of the others guys in school, i only see his face when i close my eyes. it's him that i see when i sing, when i Muse blares through my stereo. it's him that i miss.

i only wish now that he could somehow magically come across this website and read everything on it, then he would know.

he would know that even though i hate him, i still love him.

even though i think he is the dumbest guy on the face of the planet, i don't really think that.

i wish that i could tell him about the rumor that i heard, i wish i could punch this girl, who probably had a big role in the breaking up, so hard in the face that i break her nose. ok so maybe not that hard but i still daydream of pushing her down the stairs! ooo it is so tempting...

have you ever wondered why most movies are about meeting some stranger, kissing in the rain, falling in love, getting hurt, making up, and then getting back together again. it's always about the beginning, the fun, the butterflies, the first... everything. what about the end? what the pain? what are we supposed to do when we are confused, and hurt? how are we supposed to know that is alright to cry in the bathroom stall, to look ourselves in our rooms and listen to sappy love songs, to visit the places where we held deep conversations or had our first kiss?

i love him.

there is nothing else much to it. other than it has been a month since he broke my heart.

but it's true.

hey!! i'm listening to The Killers and my mood is definitely lifting...

ha ha, life is good!!!

i have some friends over in about a half an hour! we are going to play the new Clue game! the one with the text messages and stuff, we are going to get really into it, i can just feel it! ha ha, any way... i don't know but that's alright! i have a new book idea Captivate by Carrie Jones!

day 19

woohoo!! day 19!! that only means 346 days left, 8,304 hours, 498,240 minutes!!!! 498,239. 498,238...

anyway! so i'm NOT having a good day today, i'm confused - as usual - but i'm not going to rain on anyone else's parade. if anyone is actually reading this.

hello?

are you out there?

is SOMEONE listening? i need to know because i can't bear to do this alone...

anyone...?

day 18

we have our mid-term exams this week starting today, and things haven't been looking good all day. first hour was fine, but my second hour exam was horrendous! i had forgotten my calculator for my stats exam and then i found out that the note card i made and left on the kitchen table was acceptable to have on my desk at school! And then right after second hour exam, when everyone else got to go home and eat i had to stay after school for over three hours for solo and ensemble!! i went into the practice room and practiced with the pianist and he said that i sounded good and that he was confident. but when it was my turn to go up and sing i totally spaced out and forgot my words! now i have been singing that blasted song for three months and i had forgotten the words!!??? i don't understand... so anyway i had to start over and well... to say it in the most blunt of terms i sucked! majorly!

and to top off my day, my ex boyfriend/friend, blew me off in the hall. i was walking with my guy friend and he was walking with his best guy friend and we were heading towards each other - with no one else in the hall, mind you - and he didn't even politely smile at me at the least! but i guess he talked to my sister. i don't know what i should think of that...?!

but on brighter terms i went out to borders the other night and my mom bought me Sophie's World! i am super excited to read it, i guess it's very philosophical! which is awesome!

but i'm really getting into 1984 too! i can totally see why my ex likes it, it's so 'stick it to the man' type of thing!!!

I have found a new muse! Norah Jones, i love her voice, i wish i could sing like that.

well i'm sure i could rant on some more about my boring life but i won't, for now at least!

see ya!

Day 14, i think!

i haven't really been writing much here but i have been busy with choir. we sang today at the MMC (Michigan Music Conference) which is kind of a BIG deal! we were one of three choirs who got to perform!!! one was a middle school (who were really good considering they were only middle schoolers, they had a really good balance which doesn't happen all the time because the sopranos are usually in your face!) and the other was another high school. they were both really good! but i still think that we kicked their butts!!!!!

while i am on the musical topic i just finished watching Fame! I thought it was awesome. insanely awesome!!! i loved watching the dancers, it's crazy what they can do and i was blown away by how fast the girls figures moved across the piano keys! just absolutely amazing. but the thing that really struck home was the singing! i have to admit that i'm jealous! i really wish my voice didn't sound like nails on a chalk board!

bet i just made you shiver, thinking of the sound!

yep, now i got you!

-awkward-

so i'm pretty far into The Lovely Bones, though i'm not quite done yet! but it is really good, sometimes i don't really know where it's trying to go but then something big happens and i'm awestruck at how well the writer uses suspense! i love a good story, but it's even better when the writer is good! i won't name any names (twilight) but i think you get my point...

I have finished Hamlet and i must say that it is one of my favorite Shakespeare piece! The plot and the characters are amazingly constructed. Shakespeare knew a lot about the human mind, it's almost like he can see things that other people can't. we could all learn something from William.

but right now it's time for me to cross hamlet off the list of books to read!

So i texted my ex boyfriend (whatever i said his name was) and told him that i wasn't mad at him, that everything just kind of ignited the other night and that i was sorry i was angry. but i probably should have called him to tell him, that way he would have replied with something and he probably wouldn't have misinterpreted what i had said. i think he saw it as i was upset because he broke up with me, which i was because i still like him but that wasn't why i was so agitated. I keep everything looked up inside and i just keep adding gun powder to the barrel and then some little thing sparks and the whole thing goes up in flames! So what ignited it was being there, at school, for 12 hours straight, plus he thought i was mad at him and ignored me.

But i still haven't gotten a reply and i see him tomorrow at school, so as usual i don't know what to do. but i think i am just going to talk to him tomorrow and tell him what really went down.

Day 8!!

So i haven't written for a few days, so i'm sorry!! i have had a lot on my mind the last few days, it has been pretty chaotic here.

I am in choir, and i am participating in Solo and Ensemble this year, which i kind of don't want to do, well i kind of did at one point, but i felt obliged to do it because my private voice teacher wanted me to do it last year, but i didn't. so at the beginning of the school year she asked me and i hesitated but agreed to do it. i was confident, i thought i was alright and i was having fun. but now, everything is solo and ensemble this, solo and ensemble that. thursdays were the days that i looked forward to, the days were i went home, played on the computer or watched TV and then i went out and sang songs for a half an hour! but it's not fun anymore. i don't want to sing for a grade, i just want to do it because i like doing it.

on top of that, jake (my ex boyfriend, but don't worry that's not his real name), ignored me the other day even after i screamed his name!!! my friend yelled for him too, and he looked at her and then one of his friends came up to him and started to talk to him, and then he just walked away!!!!

so i was going to talk to him, because he thought i was mad at him, which i wasn't until he ignored me. sometimes i really think that he is just too popular for his own good. but i couldn't talk to him, because i was fighting back a thousand tears and i was loosing the battle.

im not mad at him, it's just everything isn't going the way it should.

i haven't written anything in... forever, and i am usually always writing something, even stupid songs and crap like that.

plus my voice teacher is up my back with all the S & E stuff.

i have lots of projects due, and i, being the procrastinator that i am, am stressing about it like crazy!!!

plus my friend has been trying to set me up with this guy, who talks way too much for me!!! and his jokes aren't that funny, and he has to use at least five swear words in every sentence that rolls out of his loud mouth!!! plus he's a jock - need i explain any further? i think not!

and on top of that, i can't seem to get rid of these planets on my face!!!!! they will not go away, and over night more seem to magically appear. and the really annoying part of all that is the fact that i am doing everything that my dermatologist has told me to use/do!

well i apologize, it's kind of a long read but, i had to get it all out there... somewhere...

Hey guys! so today, well actually last night, i realized something that was in relationship to the book 1984 and Muse!!

they have a song called Eurasia!! check it out if you are reading the book, if you arent reading it, it wont make any sense why i'm so fascinated my it!!!

today this guy i know, my sister and i were talking over by the choir room and my ex boyfriend looked over at us as he walked to lyon singers (which is a part of choir of course). i didn't really see him since the guy that i was talking to (who also likes me) was standing in the way, but my sister told me that my ex did like five double takes! What? I'm not allowed to talk to other guys but you're allowed to let other girls fawn all over you? I think not!! Sometimes i think that he can be the most selfish creature on the face of the planet and yet, everything he does is for other people! he hates disappointing others, and getting bad grades and hurting people. he is also way to popular for his own good sometimes and he can NOT sit still!!! But i don't hate him, he just gets under my skin sometimes, like a tick, and latches on so that it takes bleach and knives to cut him out.

But still on the topic of our healing relationship... today in british literature, we interacted with each other more than what we have been in the past, he was joking around, poking fun at me because i am so easy to make fun of, and he touched the top of my hand. I know, i know, it's not healthy to be dwelling on that kind of thing but i'm not, i'm trying to say that it was alright, i didn't die inside when he did make contact with me! i'm healing, slowly but surely! somedays it is harder than the day before, some memories come rushing back at me so fast that i loose my balance, but i manage to get back up. i'm alright. it's okay.

Day 4! *spoiler alert*

So I was listening to my new favorite band, Muse, and i realized something in the lyrics that goes back to the book 1984! here are the lyrics:

"Kill your prayers for love and peace
You'll wake the thought police"

The Resistance, Muse

In the book 1984, there is this organization thing that is called the 'thought police' and basically what they do is find anyone who thinks about fighting against everything that is set up within the government and then they kill them.

So is it coincidence or is purposefully put in there? Did they know about the book? So many questions, so few answers... (bah, bah, BAH) - jk!

i am also adding another new book to my list.

The Swan Thieves by Elizabeth Kostova

Alright, so today is day 3!!!! wooohooo....

After school today, i went dancing with some friends at school. We have this class that teaches you how to dance!!! I'm not kidding!!! even for those who are challenged at things like that (me)!!

But i had a lot of fun so it's alright.

Lovely Bones is going to be pretty high up on my recommendation list. I swear! You know how some books take a hundred pages to actually get interesting? Well i'm only on page 55 and i am totally hooked.

In brit lit today we were watching Hamlet, to kind of get a feel of what we have been reading and i was the only one who was completely awe struck by it all. I love the language, it's beautiful, i really wish that we still talked like that. I was sitting at my desk and my friend was sitting next to me and i could see him out of the corner of my eye look over at me and give me this crazy look like; 'you actually understand what they are saying?'. But what can i saw, i'm a shakespeare freak!!!

1984 is really interesting too! If you havent read the hunger games and catching fire by Suzanne collins i would definitely consider reading that first. they are so similar and yet they are so different.

well that's all i have time for. i have to go to a board meeting to show support for choir, since they are making budget cuts. they can't change salary but they are willing to sacrifice our education!? i dont get it...

Day 2

So I know this sounds kind of crazy but i am reading three books at one time.

Hamlet and 1984 for my brit lit class and then the lovely bones for myself.

sounds painful.

believe me it is!

I added more books to my list of things to read. i still don't have 100 yet but i have 52 so that is close enough for now.

Day 1.

Day 1 out of 365.

The first book that i am going to read is The Lovely Bones by Alice Seabold.

364 days to go.

100 books challenge

So i was doing some soul searching and came across something a little different. I have figured out what i am going to challenge myself with through this blog.

I am going to create a list of 100 books and i am going to read them all in 365 days.

These books will have different meanings, different plots and i will see where they take me.

Sometimes it's easier to forget.

Other times it's easier to hold on to something that really matters to you.

I read my horoscope today. It told me that my "world-famous passion is nothing to sneeze at". Whatever that means.

Today i feel like crap. I feel like an overused kleenex.

Today is not my day like my horoscope says.

Today it is easier to forget.

I just wish that it was that simple. But it's not and Im afraid to say that it never will be.

I'm used to forgetting though. It's how i have survived everything in the past. Forgetting. It's the one thing that i seem to be mediocre at. I tell myself over and over that something isn't true, that i made it up in my mind and then, after hours of stabbing my brain with sharp lies, it sticks and i believe them. I forget everything that was ever horrible or wrong. I forget everything that was ever pain, that ever made me want to break down and cry, everything that i didn't want to remember.

But this time, it's different. I am afraid of forgetting, but it is so hard to remember. Every time i look at the pictures, at his shirt that is currently waded up into a ball on my floor, every time i look in his eyes something inside me sparks and then reality hits i realize that i will never be able to touch that cheek, that i will never smell his skin ever again, that i will never be completely with him ever again. And that sparks explodes into a huge black hole and sucks up everything inside me. It hurts.

I still wait around, hoping, wishing that he would call, just so i can hear his voice again. Sometimes i day-dream of him walking up to me in the hallway and taking me in his arms and kissing me. But it wont happen. Not now, not ever again.

But as i have been told, one too many times, there are plenty other fish in the sea. But i gave him my heart, and i have yet to get it back.

So even though i know that i should through away the photo of the two of us that haunts me from my bedside table at night, even though i know that i should erase the note he wrote on my white board, even though i know that i shouldn't sing along to Cabaret songs in his shirt that is big enough to be a skimpy dress on me. But i can't throw it away. Not yet.

If we cut out the bad
Well then we’d have nothing left
Like I cut up your mouth
The night I stuffed it all in
And you lied to the Angel
Said I stabbed you to death
If we go at the same time
They'll clean up the mess

"cut up angels"

the used

So things are pretty much back to normal. I talked to my ex boyfriend today and we settled things out. we are now good friends. BFFs!!! ha ha just kidding!

i need to find some task that will keep me occupied. kind of like how julie had julia! i need something. any suggestions let me know!!!

I don't think that i have ever been so confused in my entire life than i am right now at this very moment. i honestly have no idea what i am going to do.

my boyfriend and i broke up a few days ago and yesterday i was ready to talk to him. everything was alright, and i planned this whole conversation in my head. i was finally ready to be friends with him, even though just being that would be a little painful seeing as he is kind of popular with the ladies.

but today after second hour my sister came up to me and told me some news. this guys brother told this girl (who is my ex boyfriends best friend) who told her little sister who told my sister that he broke up with me because he was happy when we were together but when we were apart he was depressed. i am pretty sure that i was experiencing the same thing and i thought maybe it was normal but i guess not.

well i think that he was easily manipulated by some girl who told him to break up with me.

i know i shouldn't believe it. its like the telephone game, everything starts out as one thing and then ends up as something completely different.

everyone tells me that i should talk to him. and i know i should but every time i look at him i cringe away and something inside me seems to shrivel up.

but i have to do it. and hopefully someday, i will have the courage to face this because i really don't want to push him away any more than i already have.

While on the depressing topic of pain. I must also add that i had no idea what it is like to be in a family with horrible parents. my best friend has a dad who throws things at her and threatens her, while her mom is such an airhead. i also have this other friend whose dad is engaged to this women who is so stone hearted and self absorbed that i even hate to be in the same room as her.

I know that i have already posted twice today, but i was just watching the news today and this story of a lady who was beaten by her boyfriend came up. They still haven't found her yet but it got me thinking. As someone who knows first hand what it is like to be in an abusive relationship, i just wanted to know how many others have experienced it. So i looked up some facts:

7% of women (that is nearly 3.9 million) are physically abused by their partners, and 37% (nearly 20.7 million) are verbally or emotionally abused.

every 9 seconds a woman is physically abused by her husband.

95% of assaults are committed by men against women.

42% of murdered women are killed by their intimate partners.

There are many more facts all over the web, i found these facts at http://www.asafeplaceforhelp.org/batteredwomenstatistics.html

All this got me thinking (again) about why no one ever speaks out for these girls. So i am going to try and take a stand. I am going to fight this, tooth and nail. I encourage anyone who reads this to join me!

because too long have we let this go unnoticed.

Too long have we watched the news and not down anything about the degrading way that men treat women.

Too long have we been silent.

It is time to raise our voices. In unison, we shall rise.

Alright so i know that i am not the only one who has ever been hurt, or gotten their heart broken. so for every one out there who is hurting, just know that i am here, pushing the heavy cart right along side of you.

But out of everything i learned something. Don't be afraid of letting people in. That is the biggest thing that some boy has ever taught me.

I am not afraid to do it anymore. I mean i'm afraid of letting people in, but not as terrified as i was.

So if you're out there, hurt and broken just know that it felt good when you had someone close to you. Someone who was closer to you than your own parents or your siblings. And don't be afraid to let people in, don't be afraid to fall again.

Okay, so this is all very new to me. This is my first time blogging. EVER.

So i think i should probably start by telling you a little bit about myself.

I like to read, i usually have my head in the clouds and currently i really want to become a broadway star. But i also want to do something involving the written word so... i don't really know.